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promise keeper | Big Jim

Rumor has it Big Jim just got out of jail for assaulting a paramedic. Rumor has it Big Jim called the paramedic to his house because his woman was dying. Then Big Jim attacked the paramedic for saying something derogatory about the local basketball team.

Big Jim went to jail, and I don’t know what happened to the dying woman. I’m pondering all this with one half of my brain, while the other half decides on coke or speed. I’ll see what the Christmas special is.

Big Jim answers his door right away. This is rare. He is wearing a Santa hat and a very tight little t-shirt. His face is beet red, and he is furious.

Quit fucking knocking, bastard! Come in.

Big Jim is one of those obese speed freaks, the kind that pretty much sits there all day and watches television, unless he’s assaulting some paramedic in his front yard. He is busy as busy can be at the moment, watching TV for all he’s worth. He’s actually sweating, eating cheddar cheese and sour cream with his filthy fingers. Maybe it’s chocolate, maybe its blood, I can’t tell, but he is trying to suck them clean.

You got any good coke there Jim?” I get right to the point.

Good coke? Are you fucking kidding? Why don’t you go fuck yourself? How about some bad coke? Huh? Bad coke from bad Santa. Haw haw haw!” Sour cream is spraying from his mouth and his eyes seem to belong to a pig in another dimension. He is watching a cooking show.

I’ve got forty dollars here.

He snaps to attention momentarily.

Forty duckets? Fuck yeah.” He leaps up and grabs a monkey head off the shelf. “It’s in here. Take it.

Take the whole monkey head?” I am confused.

“Get it outta here! My dog hates it!”

“I don’t want a monkey head. I want coke.” I’m getting pissed.

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you! It’s full of coke! Take it fucker! Take it and go! You heard how I pounded that paramedic right?”

“Naw, man.” I’m not taking the bait.
“Yeah you did. Everybody heard. I pounded her ass.”
“It was a chick?” I hadn’t heard this.
“Big lesbo bitch. Won’t come around here no more.”

I look in the monkey head. There is a huge bag of white powder. I taste it. It’s coke alright.

“Later on, fatboy.” with business done I am free to agitate.
“Where are the duckets? No fronts!”

“Eat a dick.” I decide to keep the forty bucks. Big Jim fucked up his play. Down the road I go.

Next: ApeSHIT!

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