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Tips For Dealing With Homeless People

Loose Change

Don’t Do The Fake Front Pocket Pat Down

When I ask you cheapskates for money and you just pat the front of your pockets and then shrug as if that’s proof that you don’t have any money it insults my intelligence and also doesn’t get me any money, two deadly mistakes.

Look asshole – just because I keep my money in a cup doesn’t mean that I don’t know that money is kept in the back pocket in a square thing called a “Wallet”.

Try looking in there, preppy.

Dinosaur Abortion

Don’t Give Me A Leftover Burrito

What are you thinking – being a bum is like being on Cancun Spring break 24/7?

Oh he’s a cool old party guy, I bet he loves burritos.

Do you have any idea how a leftover burrito looks after you’ve waltzed down the street swinging the bag and container around like you have multiple sclerosis?

It looks like a dinosaur abortion, that’s how.

Don’t Give Me Life Advice

Yeah, thanks for the 2 bits and your suggestion that I “get the help I need”. The help I need costs $3.39 and is made from grapes.

Don’t Give Me A Handfull of Pennies And Think You’re Some Kind Of Philanthropist

There’s no ‘bum exchange rate’ – I can’t buy shit with that either.

Don’t Ask Me If I Like To Smoke Pot Or Use Drugs And Then Not Give Me Any!

You wouldn’t ask a bear if he likes honey and show him a picture of a big winnie the pooh tub of honey and then run off would you?

Stop teasing me you little college pricks.

Keep Your Drunk Women Away From Me

Every night some hammered bitch get’s all sensitive and motherly on me and asks about:

My Family

“Oh wow, didn’t think about calling those assholes. Thanks for that tip. This camping trip is over!”

How Long I’ve Been On The Streets

5 days. 5 years. What’s the right answer? What does it matter?
I’m here and I need wine. Give me wine.

If I Have Any Kids

What does this have to do with wine? Yeah, i’ve got 6 around the corner and they’re dying of thirst and allergic to everything but fortified wine.

FOLLOW my sorry ass...

Larry “Stretchnuts” Haggerty

Get lost you cheap yuppies.

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