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Sunday | Why I Bother Blogging

Alexandra Young

Alexandra Young

I have been writing down my private transitioning experiences online for a number of years now.

Starting with TG based groups back in my closeted days, then moved onto my web sites, and lately to my dedicated blogs.

I like to tell it how it is, the bad with the good, in hopes that I can get the message out to the general public that inside the person they often see as a freak there is actually a ‘normal’ human being with feelings just like them.

It is also my wish to help out other Transpeople who are further behind me on their own journey, by explaining my experiences as best I can, so they can make up their own minds on what is best for them. I sometimes receive very encouraging messages from other people who read my blogs, ranging from non TG’s and various levels of TG’s themselves.

The following e-mail came from one such individual who is from Taiwan, and despite the language and cultural differences, it proves we as human beings are all basically the same, and have the same needs.

Although the bad side of me being so public means I set myself up to be fired at by some individuals who don’t like me, or as recently blogged (I got played by a guy who knew exactly what strings to pull to knock me back down into the pit of life,) I do take great satifaction from reading the following kind of messages:

“Hi, Alex
First let me say something you might heard a thousands times.
You really are a beautiful and sensational woman.
After all these years, you find the real you at last.
I’m happy for you!

As for myself and why am I writing to you.
Do you believe there’re “fate” things in the world?
Well, I was not very into that kinds of things.
But yesterday was my first appointment with a psychological therapist.
I told him a lot of myself and my strugglings, he did give me some advices.
When I was out there sitting, waiting for nurse to bring me my next appointment notice.
I just know these advices wouldn’t work. If they could, how come I sit right here in a hospital?
This doesn’t make sense at all.

When I’m still wondering what next step to take, I came across your blog.
I’ve been to a lot of TS sites or blogs before.
But your experiences and words touch me the most.
I’ll be 41years old this year, live happily with a lovely wife and two children, a boy and a girl.
I’m tall for a Asian, an inch over 6 feet, playing good basketball, smart, humorous, easy going.
House, car, job, wife, child..the 5 things man has to have in a Chinese old saying, I have them all.

Except in what should be a successful male’s life, there is a twist.

The more I live my male’s life to the fullest, the more hollow space was created in my heart.
It’s like a 24 hours real life Role-Playing-Game.
Keep harder and harder to bear as years went by.
I know what it’s like to persuit the real me.

I have to kill me to be me.

But after I’m the real me, there is no me.
Because every tiny little things in life was built around the male me.
Even if I become a female, there’s no female’s life for me to live.
Then what am I trying to get?

Before I took all my “guts” to make a appointment with this psychologist.
Trying to tell the only other people about my problems except my wife.
I predicted what he would tell me :
“Keep surpass the feeling, try dealing with it, for everyone’s sake”
Well, that’s not all what he’d said, but that’s the core opinion. No surprise.
So I left the therapy room with a “?”

This makes me think maybe I didn’t really know what I want.
Maybe I should go back to role-playing a male’s life, just like the previous 40 years.
Blah blah blah, nothing changes.

This morning I was net surfing around some TG related sites, a icon of your picture lead em to your site.
After I read your story…I know what my problem is.
I don’t have a doubt about I want to be a woman.
It’s the fear about losing “my life”.
It’s the fear about not knowing how to build a woman’s life.
You faced it and dealt with it.
So why can’t I?
I know what I have to say next time.
“I want to be me, a woman. And I need your help.”
Actually, I almost can’t wait!
Thank you, Alex.
Onto the path to fulfill this lifetime dream.
I’ll need your blog, so don’t close it and keep writing!
Wish you well!”

As I said, it makes what I do all worth the while. Luv, Alex. x

Visit Alex's Personal Blog

1 Comment»

  Alexandra Young wrote @

I’m pleased to share this blog entry of mine here. It is a special one for me, because the person who wrote to me touched me with their own personal story that I could fully relate to, and at the same time help with my own experiences.

I’m sure many in public will never understand why transpeople are the way they are, or indeed ever want to understand either, but I know I get through to many more in society than I ever expected to do when I started documenting my transitional journey.
It is nice to know I make a little difference in this world, which is better than no difference at all.
Alex. x


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